It’s mid seasonish so that means its time for another one of those season banters. Technically it’s a bit late but if you’re working on Royal Mail time then it’s all fine and I’m in fact four weeks early. Its January, the sales are on and mid season banter due, so it only makes sense to look at some of football’s highlights and perspective ones and construct the ultimate football shopping guide. (Well it seemed to make sense before I started writing anyway). MSB…
Under the tree:
A football fans real Xmas is the opening of the transfer window but you don’t always get what you may want. Every year there are figures placed in the shop window, polished and ready for sale. Most of the time they’re costly rip offs that someone finds themselves buying, be it a parent on Christmas or manager in January.
Rebuilding starts with Robbie Keane? The Irish pint sized striker (an Irish pint is basically double the size of an English one – they do half love a drink up there) name always pops up this time of the year. Although it’s not the most original idea any manager could ever have it’s still an adequate replacement for any of the Championship’s several mediocre front men. Caution: Be weary with purchase though, as transfers are the specialty of his current owner Harry Redknapp and you may find yourself paying over the odds for him. Comes with a one year warranty so if you don’t like him you can just send him back. Returns subject to making a huge loss, as Harry will only pay back less than half of what you paid for him
SWP – Sale With Pleasure. Another live size doll is the second item to be placed in the window. After it’s brought out from the back of the stock room and severely dusted the Italian owner would try and shift it as the special offer of the week, ‘Buy now and get a bonus half price DVD of his dad’s playing days’. SWP or Shaun Wright Philips may/should attempt to resurrect his career, after so much potential he slowly wilted away into nothingness. Even you’re scratching your head wondering who I’m talking about, three clues then: Short black guy…. Famous Dad who played for Arsenal…. Unable to control his pace…. Still nothing? Oh forgot it then.
Santa’s reindeers have a better chance at starting – & just because of the time of year Roque Santa Cruz gets highlighted for his name more than his talent (or lack of it) often via a cheesy clichéd redtop pun. (It’s only cheesy and clichéd because I couldn’t think of one myself) Probably now the same weight as Mr. Claus himself another of City’s part timers occupies the final space in the window. He does however epitomize the state of the current game, as ex pro’s without an ounce of envy have reiterated throughout the year.
Vintage items:
A lot of football ‘memorabilia’ has been produced this year, which has made some manufacturer (and the inevitable fakes that followed) a lot of money.
Whales having sex or England playing football – Want to relieve the events of South Africa, well what better way to do it than with the plastic horn which produces the sound of two whales having intercourse, the Vuvuzela (you may be saying no it doesn’t, well how do you know that’s not how they sound – a bit fishy if you can disprove my theory) Could be a great ironic gift for an England supporting mate, a reminder of how great Spain were or you may just really like whales.
Because everyone’s neck gets cold – If grandma wasn’t trendy enough to realise that the scarf was like so last year and has sown you one, don’t worry guys because the snood is bound to be stocked in all good retailers. You may actually believe you won’t look like a total prat wearing one in public or may want to play ‘dress up’ with friends and imitate the look of an overweight, overpaid city player (Yaya Toure or Toure Yaya they both are- although David Silva looks awfully cute in his) whichever it is this is the item for you.
*Want to get ahead of the game then why not also purchase the bonus balaclava, blanket and hot water bottle, soon to be used by all ‘female’ footballers near you*
A footballer second, a ‘man’ first – Protection was once the conventional term used to describe the item worn by a footballer to guard his shins, now however what first comes to mind is a different kind of protection, one used for a little higher than the knees, condoms. A popular item in the Terry household (If you thought John was bad you must have not heard about his brother Paul) and all the others involved in affairs this year. Although you may condemn the actions of the footballers you have to applaud them promoting safe sex, as there hasn’t yet been any accusations of an unclaimed baby Rooney’s and co (even though we’re still awaiting Jeremy Kyle’s DNA results of Shrek and whether Rooney’s his biological dad)
Expensive shopping & finally the pricy items that the sexy salesgirl manages to con you into buying making you fully aware of their no returns policy. You get home realise you’ve spent money you don’t have, got a number that isn’t correct and big head Italian on the payroll, bummer!
The other half of Sepp Blatter’s friendship bracelet –
To Mr. Blatter, Can you please be our friends?
Tick Yes or No when you decide and send the note back with Mr. Warner
From England
If you’re not in Sepp’s good books you’ll get nowhere. Shout, rant, rave and threaten to pull out FIFA it still won’t make a difference. Hopefully the FA will wise up this year and play the game in order to get the other half of Blatter’s friendship bracelet. In fact why don’t they purchase a diamond encrusted one and send it to him as a peace offering (so what if there a few war stones from Sierra Leone, he deserves it)
That big head Italian on the payroll *you could have him with a bonus hat* – A year ago England fans thought they had he best thing since a baguette (I hope you weren’t thinking sliced bread on 6million a year we’re a bit more lavish than that) Now however the majority of them would swap the Italian for a plate of Spag-bol. Although he’s already stated he’s to depart at the end of the 2012 European Championships, that’s still one more drunk new years eve and a bit to go.
Partly due the all the food analogies and the fact that I have nothing more to say for myself, I’m going to leave it there and make myself something to eat. So until next time guys that’s me (how cheesy was that – cheesy, you see another reference to food)
Look out for End of Season Banter and The Weekly Roundup every Monday
You can also follow me on Twitter @marvinwilliams
