By Basil James.
All you crying banshees, relax. Save those salty tears. Gallas, Sol, Silvestre and Senderos may be leaving, but worry not. Why sir, you ask? I am telling you. We have finally signed the young and the awesome Laurent Koscielny. Finally! After almost a month of shilly-shallying and even dilly-dallying, here we are. They said we have a sad excuse for a defence, sadder still after all these guys left. But not any more. We have Laurent Koscielny! We had to pay £10 million for him, a small step above the £8.5 million we offered at the start, but finally we have him. He was in the Ligue 2’s best XI of 2008-09! Did you know that? Amazing! What more could we want? Already training with the Gunners squad, he has ingratiated himself with the rest of the fellows.
By the way, Laurent. You see that fellow Drogba in the blue Chelsea shirt. Keep an eye on him. Strong and muscular fellow, bit prone to theatrics. Try not to stand any nonsense from him. And that bald guy called Rooney. He may try to barge past you, but hold your own, won’t you? You see that quick, blond guy? Torres. Hard to track. But we don’t know whether he will still be here. So relax. And don’t worry. We are trying to get the defensive rock Rafik Halliche to help you out.
Alas! All doesn’t seem to be well on the forward lines though. Our star striker and prospective top scorer, Nicklas Bendtner, otherwise known as the Great Dane, is set to miss the start of the new season due to a groin injury. Surely, you all are familiar with Nicklas. He was the chap who had the jabulanis to proclaim to the whole wide world that he would be top scorer in the 2009-10 season of the Premier League and then claim the Golden Boot at the World Cup. Seriously Nick, is your groin the part with which you have a problem? After a spectacular return of 1 goal in three games, he is now resting to ensure that he is healed as quickly as possible and is ready to serve the team again.
Theo Walcott and Samir Nasri are probably the happiest Arsenal players alive. They are just back from the Bahamas or the Swiss Alps or wherever it is that they spend their summers. To add a cherry to the sundae, they had the World Cup of their dreams. Both these gentlemen were visibly, and understandably, disappointed when their respective nations left them out of their World Cup squads. If you are a half-way decent human being, you have probably been left out of something or the other. A club, a school team, the regular group with which you play pool, satanic abuse group, something or the other. No use denying it. We all feel undervalued. When this group,which did not deign to use our services, becomes the subject of ire and a magnet of ridicule all over the country, that orgasmic feeling that surges through the soul is unparalleled. So too, with Walcott and Nasri. At the moment, it does not look like either of them will be an outcast from the Arsenal squad for the next season. I hope they transform all that elation within them to something solid and spectacular from the 14th of next month.
Fran Merida, once described by Wenger as an “absolutely amazing player”, has gone on record to say that he is relieved to have got out of Arsenal. He says that he did not think twice when Atletico came knocking on the door. He was only too eager to jump out of the burning house. Meanwhile, reports have stated that Nasri was not all that willing to move to Arsenal from Marseille either. Apparently, pressure from the French club and the lure of money were the stuff that did the trick. Now Nasri is well settled at the Grove, so let us turn ourselves to the “absolutely amazing player”. In all fairness, Merida played fewer games for Arsenal than Michael Owen did for Real. He had every right to move from the club which was using him as an unused substitute, rather than as a regular player. Arsene, if you thought he was an “absolutely amazing player”, then why did you not give him more pitch time? Less talented players have played more games for the club than him. And now he is at Atletico, gone on a free transfer. Arsenal fans all over the place may be enraged by Merida shooting his mouth off. Despite being a Gooner, I think Merida has right on his side. How would you feel if someone gave you a brand new Porsche but forgot to give you the keys to get in. The best you can do is to wash that car.
